The 2012 Summer Olympics in London are what everyone is talking about since Voldemort fought Mary Poppins at the Opening Ceremony last week. Yet one vital question is missing from the Olympics gossip: Which athletes are most prepared for a zombie apocalypse?
While it’s true that the average Olympic athlete has a better chance than the rest of us boring sedentary types when it comes to surviving the zombie apocalypse, some Olympians are more prepared than others. Here are six Olympic athletes who are sure to survive the zombie apocalypse:
- Mariel Zagunis, USA, Fencing: It takes a lot of chutzpah to single-handedly win the gold medal twice and restore the United States’ laughable reputation in an event that has traditionally been dominated by nancy-boy European countries, all while avoiding yelling “HOW YOU LIKE ME NOW, FRANCE?”, but saber fencer Mariel Zagunis has done it. Which is why when humanity rings the dinner bell and the zombies come a’shambling, this sword-wielding champ will set a new world record for decapitations.
- Joan Tomàs Roca, Andorra, Shooting: As one of the oldest athletes to compete in the 2012 Summer Olympics, Roca must be doing something right to be in such peak physical condition at his age (61). On top of that, he is an expert marksman and world-renowned shooter. To put that in zombiephile speak, he could shoot the eyetooth out of a zombie’s skull at a bajillion yards on a cloudy day while standing atop a burning building. Yeah, the undead aren’t getting anywhere near this guy.
- Aleksander Lesun, Russia, Modern Pentathlon: Anyone who can compete in the modern pentathlon wins the medal for Most Likely to Survive Zombies Under Any Circumstance. It’s like a test of how good you are at fighting zombies and escaping from them at the same time. The event involves five sports–fencing, swimming, riding (horses, not bikes), running, and shooting–all in one day. You have to be awesome at all five of those things without getting tired in order to win. Russia’s Aleksander Lesun is favored as “unbeatable” in the event, which basically means that when zombies join the party, he’s going to outlive us all.
- Tiki Gelana, Ethiopia, Marathon: All you have to do to survive a horde of zombies is outrun them, right? Wrong. You have to outrun every other living soul on the planet. Which is why Tiki Gelana (who just beat the favored Kenyans in London while setting a new record) is going to be the last woman standing when the brains hit the fan and the human race is extinct. And by “standing” we mean “running,” because the rest of us will all be zombies.
- Gabrielle Douglas, USA, Gymnastics: We’re pretty sure Gabby Douglas can do anything. At 16, the women’s all-around gold medal gymnast is a certifiable superhuman. Her tiny little body is made up of compact muscles and liquid stamina, meaning she’s specifically designed for evading zombies all the live-long day. Horde of zombies and nowhere to run? No problem. She’ll just parallel-bar the crap out of whatever obstacles are in between her and safety. Or, y’know, vault over the heads of the undead and land with a double-back-hand-spring-whatever to live to do the Dougie another day.
- Hou Yuzhuo, China, Taekwondo: She’s ranked second in the world among taekwondo experts and she’s the featherweight favored to win gold in London. All that basically boils down to this: She can crush zombie skulls with her big toe without breaking a sweat. Why Yuzhuo instead of a judo athlete? Simple, really. Taekwondo is all about striking, whereas judo is more akin to wrestling. And the last thing you want to do when trying to preserve life and limb is wrestle with a zombie. The taekwondo fighters know what they’re doing: Strike and run.